All of my Catholic school parents know that the first week of school always entails a brush up on Mass etiquette. And all of my Catholic school parents also know that I go WAY overboard on Mass etiquette because I'm ultra competitive and so {inevitably} are my students {ahem, 21 Blessings of 2010}... Being in Ohio hasn't dampened my desire to be "the best"; if anything, it has fanned the flames of fabulosity! So of course, before handing out all their textbooks or knowing a fire drill plan, we headed to church.
I always introduce this visit in the same manner. I say that we're going to "God's House" - a place that is not unlike your affluent neighbors' or your {more formal} grandmother's abode. We talk about using manners just as you would on a dinner visit or some other short stay. Perhaps most importantly, we discuss dress. As I often say, "you don't want to go up in God's house looking a hot mess." This usually elicits some giggles, some sage nods, and some distressed looks from students who either A. are in church every weekend in their traditional "Sunday Best" or B. have never seen the inside of a church on Sunday, much less a school day. But we take it all in stride and make the trip together as a learning experience.
The church trip is always amusing - some of my followers remember the "Holy Ghost Aisle Fall Out of 2010 or the "Continuous Genuflector of 2011". But this year takes the cake. One of my students - we'll call him Low Talker {I've never heard a child with a voice this deep in elementary school! It reminds me of Barry White.} - was particularly enthralled by the church walk-through. After "touring" the baptismal font, pews, and altar area, we sat down for prayer and questions. I knew when his hand shot up that I should ignore him, but he was adamant about being heard. The exchange went something like this:
Low Talker: Where's God at?
Charming Teacher: He's everywhere! Especially in your heart.
Low Talker: But you said this was His House. So where is he?
Charming Teacher: {to self} OH SNAP! {to student} Ummm... it is His house.... but...
Low Talker: Never mind. I know where His bed is anyway. I saw it.
Charming Teacher: You saw His bed? In here?!
Low Talker: Yes {snorts at not-so-smart teacher}. It's up there in that box.
At this point the Charming Teacher and her Trust Assistant has to step back and bite their tongues to stop from giggling hysterically. Because Low Talker had just pointed to the choir loft - specifically to the organ. We laughed because earlier, our new priest - who dresses in full regalia, complete with long cassock, had mentioned going upstairs at the church to play the organ and look down on the students. {I think he was going for a kind of Santa Claus, see you when you're sleeping type idea}.
Later, when Father visited us again, I asked Low Talker if he knew who that was. Again, he was suavely confident in his answers...
Low Talker: Yes. That's God.
Charming Teacher: THAT's God? That man there?
Low Talker: Yup.
Charming Teacher: How do you know?
Low Talker: Because yesterday, you gave us that book - for church {It was their Religion text}
And the picture of White Jesus looks a lot like him. And God is Jesus' Dad. So....
His voice faded and his shoulders shrugged, indicating that I should be able to piece together the obvious. As I packed up at the end of the day, I took a quick peek at the picture of "White Jesus" in the front of our Religion books. And I was more than a little shocked to note... he does bear a striking resemblance to the new parish priest. Next time I'm in the choir loft, I'm checking for pillows. Who knows? Maybe the kid knows something I don't. Wouldn't be the first time I got schooled by a student...
XO,
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